Föhrenbergkreis Finanzwirtschaft

Unkonventionelle Lösungen für eine zukunftsfähige Gesellschaft

What We Really Need Is Fake Good News

Posted by hkarner - 16. April 2017

Date: 14-04-2017
Source: The Wall Street Journal By Joe Queenan

Some proposals: Elvis is alive. Several teams won the Super Bowl 

Fake news is a huge problem, but not for the reason people think. Fake news isn’t harmful because it spreads lies. It’s harmful because it’s bad news. It depresses us and makes us feel threatened. What’s the point of fake news if it makes us feel worse than the real news?

Fake Rolexes and fake fur don’t make their owners feel bad. A fake Monet painting, if well done, can cheer a viewer immensely. Turkey burgers, artificial sweeteners and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter rarely ruin anybody’s day. Fake medications can be good for you—look it up, it’s called the placebo effect. Just because something is fake doesn’t mean it can’t be useful or life-affirming or fun. Without fake friends, fake resumes and fake emotions, life couldn’t go on.
This is why I like the idea of launching fake news sites that will deliberately disseminate falsehoods just to make people happy. That way, we could wake up and—turning to our TV, radio or phone—get news like this:

“Contrary to earlier reports that pro-Brexit Brits and the European Union folks don’t like each other,” says altalt.true.com, “sociologists at William & Faux University have unearthed groundbreaking evidence that they do. They go to parties together, and they carpool, and they date. The mainstream press keeps lying about tension in Europe, because the mainstream press is a bunch of mean girls. But in fact, there is no tension in Europe. The Germans love the Turks. The Spanish love the English. So do the Scots. And everybody loves the Russians. Trust us on this: Things in Europe could not be better.”

Fake good news sites could revolutionize daily life. Let’s say the Dow closes at 45,365. Not good enough? OK, make that 178,647. Worried about cholesterol? Stop! Massive ingestions of ice cream are good for your heart. And, oh yeah, Prince is still alive; that was another Prince that died. Same deal with Chuck Berry, David Bowie, James Brown, Elvis.

People could tailor fake news sites so that every sports result would suit them. Does it really matter who won the World Series last year? If it makes people in Cleveland feel good to read that the Indians beat the Cubs in Game 7 of the fall classic, what’s the harm in it? While we’re at it, why not report that the Minnesota Timberwolves just crushed the Golden State Warriors? Or the Houston Oilers just won the Super Bowl, as did the Miami Dolphins and the San Diego Chargers. The more the merrier.

Lately, Facebook and Google have been trying to flag fake news sites. This is all wrong. Everybody should have a fake Facebook page where they can pretend to have a great job, spouse and car—and great hair. People should fill their Facebook pages with photos of mountains they have never climbed, reefs never snorkeled, women never dated and degrees never earned. Some Facebook folks already do.

When used for the greater good, well-intentioned fake news could make life more pleasant for all of us, rich and poor, great and small, dumb and smart. News like this: Buffalo, N.Y., is no longer cold. Los Angeles has bid goodbye to traffic jams. Lubbock, Texas, offers some of the world’s finest French cuisine. The Pacific Ocean has no sharks. Not one.

You get the idea here. Adele won the Grammy, but so did Beyoncé. Neighbors really like hearing death metal at 3 in the morning; it helps their newborn twins get to sleep. Drinking all the beer in Sheboygan, Wis., in a single afternoon will not make you fat. Finally, ignore what the mainstream media keep telling you: Canada is not boring.

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